Please don't panic. This is a Eulogy to the person I used to be. A thank you from the person I am now.
You lost your identity round about the age of 13. You'd been through a lot of friendship groups, you'd been bullied a lot and you were not comfortable in your own skin. You went through a lot in the space of 12 months. Your last year at High School was a whirlwind and by the end of it, you were no closer to finding out who you were.
By the age of 15, you'd met your oldest friend. Someone you still hold dear and always will. Looking back, you'll always regret how hard you were on him. But when you barely know who you are, it's difficult to have people around you who know you better than you know yourself. And it's in the past now, so it's forgiven. You aren't that person now.
You went through the mill when at 16 you started to have panic attacks. You had no idea that anxiety disorders existed until almost 3 years later. You were in serious denial about where you were in life and you were not ready to accept the fact you were falling into an abyss. You made stupid mistakes. You had nights where you didn't remember a lot and you barely slept for 2 years.
By 18, you'd started making a positive journey in moving forward. You got a lot of stupid behaviour out of your system before meeting some of the most important people in your life as of September 2011. By the time of your 19th birthday, things started to fall into place. You were still nowhere near where you needed to be, but you were finally on your way. You were still making embarrassing memories, saying the wrong things in an attempt to fit in, and you were still experimenting with certain aspects of your personality.
Remember the anime phase? You went all out on that one. Your whole tumblr was pastel. Cringe.
Your 20th summer provided some, er.. awkward memories for all your friends. But unlike all the ones that had left before, they stuck around (both the friends and the awkward memories that is). That's when you knew the friends you had made were here to stay. They were the best people you'd ever meet in your life and there was no way you'd ever let any of them go. Never.
By the time you turned 21, you were almost at your destination. You still had a few more lessons, memories and mistakes to make. You started learning how to deal with your anxiety that would provide many more hurdles in months to come, and you felt emotions you hadn't always believed in. You had your heart broken, and you taped it back together again.
And this. This was the turning point. This was when you had a long hard look at yourself and you decided to start being the person you always longed to be. The person you deserved to be.
And I can tell you now, if 13 year old you could see where you are now, they'd be okay with the next few years ahead. They'd be okay with the people who'll let them down, because they'll make way for the people who will stick by you forever: Luke, Hilary, Lee, Gabby and more. They'd be okay with what felt like the marathon of college courses because they'll know they'll take them to the mindset you're in now. They'd be fine with the shitty jobs you have because they funded some amazing memories and soon enough, they're going to fund more.
Old Katie: the lost girl with no sense of direction. Part of you still lives on in me. You're the lessons that I've learnt, the memories I've made, the same sense of humour and the amazing taste in film and music. But you're not with us in the physical sense. The new Katie looks very similar to you, but she smiles a lot more. She wakes up in the mornings and she's so fucking ready for everything. She doesn't take shit from anyone and she's confident in what she's doing and where she's going. She thinks about you a lot, and she thanks you for everything you did for her.
Thank you to my old self for making me the person I am today.
No comments:
Post a Comment