"Are you going goth now?"

This is a question I've heard a lot recently. There are some people in this world who need to put you in a box, and when you climb out of your box to explore new avenues they don't quite know how to handle it.

Yes, I do wear an awful lot of black. But I always have. Granted in the more recent summers I've worn a bit of colour, but yes, as a rule: I wear a lot of black. It suits me and I like it.
I wear a lot of black lace, I wear black boots, I wear chokers and I wear purple lipsticks. I also listen to a lot of heavy rock/metal/screamo music. But if you look at the other stuff I listen to, you'll see it's not confined to that.

Please don't try to put me in a box. I love gothic style and some of my personality traits could reflect that, but there's so much more going on with me, and I don't need you to define what kind of person I am.

Don't put people in boxes. We aren't dolls.

Follow Me Down To The Red Oak Tree

This isn't really a normal kind of blog post. Normally, I'll really talk about something. But this time, I just want to acknowledge the fact that tomorrow is September 4th. I don't want to say that this is a significant day. Every day is significant to someone out there. So I'll just say that it's a thing for me.
I'm currently sitting in bed listening to James Vincent McMorrow on repeat and it's finally feeling like Autumn. If you're struggling to picture Autumn right now because the weather is still all over the place, then close your eyes and listen to this song. I recommend  you put it on repeat a couple of times, think about the smell of bonfires and the golden hues of the leaves beneath your feet.

If you like this, I'd also suggest listening to "From The Woods!!" and "We Don't Eat."

I'm going to meditate a little before I go to bed.

Katie Jane Ross: A Eulogy

Please don't panic. This is a Eulogy to the person I used to be. A thank you from the person I am now.

You lost your identity round about the age of 13. You'd been through a lot of friendship groups, you'd been bullied a lot and you were not comfortable in your own skin. You went through a lot in the space of 12 months. Your last year at High School was a whirlwind and by the end of it, you were no closer to finding out who you were.

By the age of 15, you'd met your oldest friend. Someone you still hold dear and always will. Looking back, you'll always regret how hard you were on him. But when you barely know who you are, it's difficult to have people around you who know you better than you know yourself. And it's in the past now, so it's forgiven. You aren't that person now.

You went through the mill when at 16 you started to have panic attacks. You had no idea that anxiety disorders existed until almost 3 years later. You were in serious denial about where you were in life and you were not ready to accept the fact you were falling into an abyss. You made stupid mistakes. You had nights where you didn't remember a lot and you barely slept for 2 years.

By 18, you'd started making a positive journey in moving forward. You got a lot of stupid behaviour out of your system before meeting some of the most important people in your life as of September 2011. By the time of your 19th birthday, things started to fall into place. You were still nowhere near where you needed to be, but you were finally on your way. You were still making embarrassing memories, saying the wrong things in an attempt to fit in, and you were still experimenting with certain aspects of your personality.

Remember the anime phase? You went all out on that one. Your whole tumblr was pastel. Cringe.

Your 20th summer provided some, er.. awkward memories for all your friends. But unlike all the ones that had left before, they stuck around (both the friends and the awkward memories that is). That's when you knew the friends you had made were here to stay. They were the best people you'd ever meet in your life and there was no way you'd ever let any of them go. Never.

By the time you turned 21, you were almost at your destination. You still had a few more lessons, memories and mistakes to make. You started learning how to deal with your anxiety that would provide many more hurdles in months to come, and you felt emotions you hadn't always believed in. You had your heart broken, and you taped it back together again.

And this. This was the turning point. This was when you had a long hard look at yourself and you decided to start being the person you always longed to be. The person you deserved to be.

And I can tell you now, if 13 year old you could see where you are now, they'd be okay with the next few years ahead. They'd be okay with the people who'll let them down, because they'll make way for the people who will stick by you forever: Luke, Hilary, Lee, Gabby and more. They'd be okay with what felt like the marathon of college courses because they'll know they'll take them to the mindset you're in now. They'd be fine with the shitty jobs you have because they funded some amazing memories and soon enough, they're going to fund more.

Old Katie: the lost girl with no sense of direction. Part of you still lives on in me. You're the lessons that I've learnt, the memories I've made, the same sense of humour and the amazing taste in film and music. But you're not with us in the physical sense. The new Katie looks very similar to you, but she smiles a lot more. She wakes up in the mornings and she's so fucking ready for everything. She doesn't take shit from anyone and she's confident in what she's doing and where she's going. She thinks about you a lot, and she thanks you for everything you did for her.

Thank you to my old self for making me the person I am today.

Today has been an odd sort of day.

I woke up at an unearthly hour. I could hear Within Temptation playing on the radio and I was very confused as this was not the kind of music I was used to be woken up to on the weekend. Usually, my Dad stomps around in the morning and puts some god awful radio station on that's filled with women crying over their lost loves or some disco that's cheesier than a wheel of Epoisses.
We went to Tescos to stock the cupboards for the weekend as my parents were going to stay with my aunt in Wales. They left round about 12, and since then I've been asking the dog several times for his opinions on things such as Peter Capaldi as the new Doctor Who and what he thought about the fact it rained three times since they left.
My mum text me a while ago and reminded me that the money for a dress I returned the other day should have come through by now. Which also prompted me to move some money around, and gave me a little fund for some jewellery shopping. (When the little gems arrive I shall be making a blog post about them).
About an hour ago, I was watching Family Guy and he started making this little whimpering sound. The little angel was having a bad dream, so once he woke up I scooped him up and cuddled him in the armchair for about half an hour.
I'm currently listening to The Neighbourhood in bed contemplating whether I should have an early night. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take Archie on a walk and then come home and tidy up ready for a night with Hilary. I'm going to paint my nails and sing at the top of my lungs and take in the last few hours of me being completely alone with just a dog with extremely important opinions for company.
I'm aware that my blog posts stopped for a few days, and I do apologise for that. I've been extremely busy all week and I've not had a real chance to keep on track. I promise to start making more of an effort to post regularly.